Dun know what to feel anymore. Dun how what to think anymore. I m having so many mixed feelings and thoughts that everything is all mesh up with emotions. Not feeling, just a numbness within in.

Am i too hurt already? Too disappointed? Lost all faith and hope? I think so... I think i m blocking out things and trying to be strong. Cried so much the past 2 weeks and still emotionally strained during this period. Emotions is draining me so much, i think i have lost all my laughter. It takes so much for me to smile now....

Realised how evil my thots can be when i m not walking with Christ or choose to indulge in sins. So tested during this period. I dun know what i should do anymore. I feel like running and i do want to run but it doesnt seem like the right thing to do. I want to block things out forever and move on with my life, yet i cannot do that.

Reminds me of the verse Paul said: the things that i want to do, i dont do. The things i do not want to do, i keep doing.
I know i should not respond or think in certain manner but i keep doing it. I know i should respond or think in certain manner but i do not do.

I have lost faith in the current situation that i am going through. Lost faith, trust and hope. I fear to look forward, i fear to have faith, i fear to have hope, cause i fear to be hurt and disappointed. Man will surely fail, hurt and disappoint you. I have experienced sufficiently to say this... It is a tension that i feel, just as what paul mentioned.

While i have let go of my unforgivness and bitterness, i find it hard to trust. I think this is the journey of faith that God is leading me. In all things God is still with me, but i have lost sight of the big, amazing cross of love and sacrifice. Finding it again this season.

To tide through this period, i can only rely on God and be near Him. Just wanna fix my eyes on Christ and let go of all worldly things. Too much.... Just too much already.

 

Signing off at 8:50 PM