I'm walking with Jesus

Saturday, October 07, 2006
My conversion story

“Some of you out there have Christian names; some went to Christian missionary schools, while others listen to Christian songs. However, you do not have a personal relationship with God…” I could still remember that special night which totally changed the destiny of my life forever. I was in nexus auditorium wearing a pink woolen sleeveless top with black pants standing at one of the first few rows with Jitsy beside me.

Just as what Pastor Jeff had said, I was from a Christian missionary primary school with many Christian friends, have a Christian name and I enjoyed listening to Christian songs because they give me this weird inner sense of peace and calmness whenever my heart is in turmoil. The closest I came to God was in primary six at a Christian camp and there was like a mass conversion, I almost received Christ there and then, however, I held back. After I left my primary school, I sort of lost contact with Christianity and became a Buddhist as my parents were Buddhist. Although I did not know what I believed in, I would just blindly follow my mum to the temple.

The turning point came after I got back my A level results. I went to the temple to seek for advice regarding my future course in NUS and what I got a good lot which says “to my heart’s desires”. At that time I really wanted to do pharmacy and I was like yes! My wish will come true. However, to my utmost disappointment, when I got back my results I got into science instead and I was very disappointed. I cried the whole night because the result was totally unexpected and I had no backup plans and did not know where to go except science course. At that time, I became doubtful about the reality of these ‘gods’ and for that split moment, Christianity came to my mind and I wondered if their God is real and living.

That passing thought was quickly forgotten and after failing twice in my appeal for pharmacy, I chose to do life science in NUS. At that time I was also offered a MOE Teaching Award which I took up in the end, because I had absolutely no idea what a life science degree can offer while teaching guarantees a stable rice bowl, with allowance and free school fees. Good deal! It is after accepting this teaching award that I got to know more about USP and my friend persuaded me to go for it with her. This is how I got to know Jitsy, the person who brought me to Hope Church and my shepherd, through the MOE scholarship and USP program. Although we were merely acquaintance and only saw each other in school several times, I found her a very friendly and sincere person who is very willing to offer me advises on USP.

A few days before Christmas, I was choosing which USP modules to take for semester two and I was very worried because I realized that my friends were not taking any modules with me because our timetable clash. After semester one, I had a phobia of USP lessons because of the style of lesson conducted. However, I stayed on to give this another try before I give up. Three days before Christmas, Jitsy’s name suddenly came to my mind and so I called her, hoping that we will end up taking the same modules. After talking about academic issues, Jitsy asked me if I would be interested to join them for caroling on Christmas Eve. Initially I was really quite reluctant because I do not really know Jitsy or seen her friends before. I told her I would think about it and reply her the next day. When I called her the next day, it was to tell her that I will not be going already and was planning to go clubbing with some friends on Christmas Eve. However, to my utmost amazement Jitsy managed to persuade me to join them for caroling. After that, she told me that there will be a service after the caroling practice and that if I do not feel comfortable I can go walk around first before joining them for the actual caroling. I did not really give much thought to “the service” and I was thinking, since that day is Christmas day, why not?

That was how I ended up inside Nexus auditorium and attending their special Christmas Service, including making the most important decision in my life. Initially, I was frightened and shocked by the people’s enthusiasm and friendliness, their upbeat style of praise and people speaking in weird languages. However, the service really spoke to me a lot and I was really touched by God. The sermon that day was about family and having a relationship with God. Pastor Jeff mentioned that Christianity is not about rituals, it is about having a very personal relationship with god and how god will not shortchange us but will bless us. He was also sharing about family which was something very close to heart because I was having problems with my sister and everyday seemed like a day in World War II. When Pastor Jeff asked for response, I was very hesitant and my heart was beating very fast. I was very nervous about the decision I was about to make. In fact, I was very scared and unsure, negative thoughts and feelings were circulating around me and I was struggling between lifting my hand and keeping it down as pastor Jeff counted: 1, 2, and by the count of 3, I decided to just take this small step towards god and sent my trembling hand upwards. Often, when you hear conversion stories many will explain how and why they decided to take this step of faith towards god. I did not have faith at that time at all. In fact, I was not even sure about this awesome god they were worshipping about but I needed a change in my life and I wanted to try out this god.

To be honest with you, I cannot really remember what happened after I lifted my hand, as everything was so chaotic. Suddenly Jitsy turned to me and together with Shirley; they led me to the front to say the sinner’s prayer. I was very nervous and I was having mixed feelings when they brought me to the front. I almost wanted to just dash off but something held me back. (I think it was their hands.) After I said the sinner’s prayer, I felt very calm and there was this sudden sense of peace within me, which I have not felt for ages. After that Shirley asked me if there is anything I would like to pray for, and that when God answer my prayer, I can share this with them. I told Shirley to pray for my family, for the World War to end and for the hostile relationship between me and my sister. After that I was so touched by the presence of God and the prayer that tears just flowed down my face.

This prayer was answered the very next day on Christmas Day! We finally talked after one year cold war and we even went out together. My parents were so shocked that we did not quarrel, instead we went out together. I was very amazed at God’s efficiency and awed by the power of prayer. God has blessed me and answered my prayers in countless ways and circumstances.

As a young believer I had many doubts God and was still holding onto Buddhism. I was very afraid that if I believed in the wrong God, the Buddhist ‘gods’ would stop blessing me because I suddenly became a Christian and they would punish me for that. It was a very foolish thought and I often found myself struggling between letting go of the past and believing in God. The turning point was when I went for prayer’s meet. I was very sick that day, down with gastric flu, fever and body aches. Despite this, I really wanted to go for my first prayer’s meet and I wanted to experience God in an extended time of worship and prayer, something I have not experienced before. Initially, the pain in my stomach was still bearable and I could ignore the pain, however the pain intensified during the meeting and I had the urge to puke. During the personal breakthrough prayer, while I was praying, I felt myself swayed and knew that I was about to collapse. So I quickly grabbed onto a chair in front of me for support and with my eyes shut, I started to pray, calling out to God to heal me. Gradually, the sounds around me faded away and when I opened my eyes, my vision blurred and became pitch black. I could not hear or see and I was really scared. I vaguely remembered calling out to God and kept asking Him to heal me and to take away my pain. The next thing that happened really amazed me. My senses suddenly came back and I broke out in perspiration. I was perspiring so profusely that my clothes were soaked. However, I was healed completely! Gone were my fever, body aches and gastric flu. I have never felt so alive and refreshed by God. When I went home that night, I was truly convinced by the reality of God and that He is the one and only God, Lord of all things and He is living and real. After exactly three months of being a half Christian (on the 24/3/06), I took out the amulets from my wallet and gave it back to my mum. During the past three months I had always wanted to remove them from my wallet but I was afraid that the blessings from the Buddhist ‘gods’ would stop. That night I decided to turn my faith into action, to trust God and worship Him only. There are still times when I do doubt God, especially when emotions and negativity get the better of me. However, God is faithful and He has sent shepherds and leaders to guide me in my walk and help me plant deep roots in my walk with God. His word is also a light onto my feet and a lamp to my path because whenever I am in doubt or dwelling in negativity, His word will remind me of who God is and the miracles and grace He has shown to me in my life.

I started learning guitar in July and I think I have tested my brothers’ and sisters’ love and patience for me. I have absolutely no sense of rhythm or music talent, but I really wanted to learn because I like music a lot and I really hope to serve God through music. So whenever I have the chance, I would just take somebody’s guitar and start playing while the rest would just suffer in silence at the noise I was making. Though they often teased me, everyone, especially my caregroup members were very encouraging and supportive. It was a learning process of perseverance, humility and trust in God. It was through this guitar learning experience that I realized I am not musically inclined. By God’s faith and with lots of practice, I managed to learn the basic strumming and changing of chords. On 15/9/06, it was my first time playing for caregroup and I was very nervous about it. Throughout the whole week before caregroup, my brothers and sisters gave me a lot of support by teaching me new skills, gave advises and encourage me greatly. Through my inadequacy and inexperience, I became more reliant on God and realized that human efforts are limited however, with God, anything is possible. This has also made me realized that I could not feel the music when I play and had to stick to a fix set of strumming pattern. I prayed for a breakthrough in this area and asked God for a miracle in my life. On the 25/6, I could feel the song when I play and I felt connected to God through the music. I was praising and worshiping God in a different way, communicating to Him through music. When I am weak, He is strong and when I am powerless, He is powerful. It is through my inadequacy and weakness that God’s greatness is revealed and His miracles and blessings are endless.

I really want to thank God for giving me an inner peace and a new found joy when he freed me from sins, agony and hatred, which I cannot seem to let go in the past. Jesus has set the perfect example of a perfect and blameless love. Through His perfect love and grace, I am learning to forgive myself and have learnt to put my pride down and forgive people. I used to be a very relationship prone person and had the habit of drifting in and out of relationships. However, God has given me a new meaning and purpose to my life. God has made me realized that single hood now is a gift from God for us to maximize our talents, to grow in our character as a Christ follower and our convictions in God, to serve God and build His kingdom.

Ever since I came to know god, I have been praying for God to soften my parents’ heart, especially my dad, as they were very resentful towards Christianity. Although my parents did not outwardly oppose Christianity, they were not very pleased and my mum would always nag at me and everything that went wrong, she would blame God. It was indeed hard to continue trusting God and be joyful in such circumstances, but God is faithful and He is constantly watching out for me, giving me strength through His word. A breakthrough came when I went for water baptism and my mother came along to watch me and to give me her support and blessings. Although my father was not there, he made a cross pendant for me and my mum gave it to me after I was baptized in water. It was a remarkable experience of joy and unbelief. Everything is possible with God because He is a God of wonders and miracles.

In the past, I felt that life was meaningless and unfulfilling and would attempt suicide because of the lack of joy and purpose in life. However, a life with God and a family is truly different. Only God can mould us from deep within, heal our deepest scars and replace them with love, grace and forgiveness. My nine months of life with God is definitely not a bed of roses, in fact, there are many testing and molding along the way. However, what kept me from walking away from God are His goodness and His promises to eternal life and great plans to bless us. Once I have tasted the goodness of the Lord, I just want more. Life is filled with ups and downs but now I have the courage and strength to walk through it all, knowing that the presence of the Lord is with me and His everlasting love and grace sustains me everyday. While Man will fail me, God will never abandon me. Now, I only live to serve Him (ministry and fellowship). Living a life with God is truly different and amazing as the initial small step of trying out has gradually turned into a mustard seed faith and gradually a conviction imprinted in my heart. Psalm 23, my favourite verse ever since I came to know God. It is a verse that encourages me, a verse that reminds me of who God is and has walked me through trials and gave me courage.

Hope Church is the first church I came to know God personally and being here for the past nine months with this family has been a truly wonderful experience. One thing that truly attracted me to stay on in Hope is the strong discipleship and their zeal to serve God. The leaders in Hope Church have very strong convictions and faith, and serve God and His people with a deep passion. Being in this church, I know I will be able to grow in my convictions and my Christian life will be one that is built on the rock because of its strong biblical foundation and its strong discipleship.

Signing off at 9:33 AM