Wednesday, June 21, 2006
I love you, Father

i ve not been bloggin for a super duper long time already... really miss bloggin... my blog is so empty and outdated...hee

think many things ve happened in my life since i last blog, ve been gg thru many weird things n happenings... but i really thank God for all these, think God is moulding me thru these... I ve learnt to depend on God more instead of men n i realised tt only God can gif me e comfort n assurance i need and heal my heart wen it is scarred... God is also forever faithful and forgiving... st... i feel so sinful and tt i ve let God down...

hmm... dun really know where to start.. after i came back from hong kong and after e tertiary camp, (haha) think many things ve been happenin in my life... to others they may seem trival, but i used to be a person who cant handle set backs and take criticism easily n ll often get upset v easily n cry like mad. the worst thing is i love to whine n complain to my friens like crazy. But i realised tt, cryin n complainin cant seem to take away my pain or heal my heart or make me grow and understand what has happened..

Recently, certain things ve happened tt ve made me v upset and unsettled. This time, i chose to seek God and ask Him for guidance n for Him to heal me, to give me comfort... amazingly, i felt at peace. there was no hatred or anger within my heart and i could forgive and just commit my hurt to God. This incident made me realised tt God is a God of peace and only thru Him can i find peace,comfort and meaning in my life...

Another thing is my attitude towards ppl n work. Often, I do not put in my best n i m always half-hearted. I ll only put in more effort wen it is about cg or serving God directly. I failed to realise tt everything on earth is created by God and tt every little thing i do is to honour God. I was reminded by a verse from 1 corin: whatever u eat, drink or do, do it for the glory of God. Even my attitude towards givin tuition used to be quite bad.Thinking tt i m already quite good den overly confident, i didn't put in effort to prepare n plan for lesson, just go there n smoke den collect money. Though i cared for my students, i know it isn't my best, i can be a better n more responsible teacher. It's a matter of choice, it's the same wen we chose to believe in christ n wat we believe is based on our faith n conviction... Aftera bad work experience n i gave my boss a rather bad impression cause of my lack of responsibility n commitment n God reminded of this verse, I was like 'oh no'... what ve i done here... So now, whenever i feel like just smokin things thru n giving half-hearted work i ll just remind myself of this verse. Every single thing we do is for the glory of God, being christians, we shd be salt n light to ppl.. think God has really given me strength n perserverance to do things (i m a person who often give up halfway, esp wen i meet setbacks, often tryin to take e easy way out), but now i ve faith n courage... God is my shepherd i shall not be in want... God is my helper...i shall not be afraid, wat can man do to me :)

Recently, God showed me tt He is faithful n tt He is constantly with us. CONSTANTLY with us, His presence fill us CONSTANTLY buti ve failed to realise it. Blinded by things in life n my sinful n rebellious nature. One night i was lyin in bed facing the wall n was talkin to God (st happened b4 this which made me v upset). In fact, i was complainin to God n askin Him y did that incident happened n y i cant feel His presence anymore n why He seemed so far away from Him tt i feel like fallin away n tt i m driftin away more n more from Him. Suddenly, i heard angelic voices from behind me singing: so close i believe, you're holdin me now in ur hands...

I was so shocked n speechless, afraid to turn around... e voices were so clear n loud n beautifully sang (i cant describe), but it definitely isn't my voice or my cg's voices. Think God is tryin to remind me tt He is close to me, never leaving me, not even a step away from me. n tt He is holdin me in His hands, i was so touched i wanted to weep with joy, guilt n shame. I m so sinful, always doubting God n doin things tt r unpleasing, but God is so gracious to me n even reminded me tt He is close to me. GOD... I LOVE YOU FATHER... haha... think i ve not told God enough tt i love Him, always takin His love n grace for granted...

Recently i also got rather distracted... seemed to be attracted by my past ungodly life n wasn't being faithful to God... i also realised tt mind n heart convictions r very different. though i ve convictions in my mind, but my heart seemed to ve a passion of its own. But God has really been v faithful in my life n thru small incidents, He has showed me tt an ungodly life can be really meaningless n tt all things under the sun r meaningless... wealth, fame, intelligence.... What last forever is our r/s with God and our eternal life.. The presence of God is already integrated into my life, if i chose to return to my ungodly life, life ll truly be empty n r/s with ppl will merely be surface r/s with no real depth. I really encourage my dear bro n sis to continue to walk with God. No matter how much u struggle or how sinful ur heart/mind/ soul is, just continue walkin with Him and one day He will bring you show you a path. Just like how the Israelites were shown mercy time to time n brought out of egypt into their promised land.

I m now readin a children's bible.. its a story book style n its really interestin with lots of pictures. Its like a crash course:) Now reading the old testament n i m amazed by God's power/ truth/ grace n love... God truely loves us despite our sinful nature n unfaithfulness...


 

Signing off at 12:25 AM